How much time should I spend with my child?
My sister is a graphic designer who chose to freelance after Riya was born. Every day she drops her daughter to school and begins her work. Riya is in school for 6 hours, and then the house help gets her home. In the next 2 hours my sister is back home too. Her mother often gets furious about this action – how could Riya be with the house help alone? My sister is a career-oriented person while she also loves my niece to bits. She gets home, talks to her about her day at work and also listens to Riya’s story as well. Her intention is to get her daughter to value and manage her time by herself. Also, she doesn’t want to be the nagging mother who isn’t too happy with herself. And if she isn’t happy herself, how would she keep her daughter happy! And more often than not, children learn by example. She wants her daughter to be independent, learn how to be alone, have an aim, do something constructive etc.
According to my mother, the best way to parenting is to hover around the child 24×7. To which my sister differs, because for her quality time matters more than quantity – limited interactions with the child makes more sense. As it was a waste of time for both to sit ideal or talk/gossip or just instruct the child to put things properly, sit properly, eat properly all day. Just 30 minute or an hour of fruitful conversation, engaging in activities that helps the family bond – laughing, caring and understand each other – is more beneficial than 24 hours together. Well this debate has been going on since a century, and could perhaps go on forever.
So, let’s understand the child’s perspective. Unfortunately, this debate goes on between parents, grandparents and other adults but nobody bothers to ask the child – What is the definition of quality time for them?
Many studies have been conducted regarding this quality or quantity of time to be spent with the child and which one is better parenting! When this issue is looked into more scientifically, it can be gathered that children value the following aspects of time:
- Family time as ordinariness and routine
My uncle, aunt and two kids love watching this series called ‘The Mentalist.’ No matter what they are doing all four of them will be stuffed on the sofa at 9 pm when this series is played on the television. They do not talk for those 40 minutes but just quietly enjoy the TV show. But the main fun begins once the episode is over. They give each other their view about that episode and what’s going to follow. Even if the parents want to teach/discuss any topic with their children, they pick up some point of interest from the episode and put their point forward.
My uncle watches football even though it doesn’t really interest him. He gets engrossed while watching the match and asks questions to connect with his son.
They aren’t very social but after every social event they sit together and talk about different ways people behaved, reacted, emoted and the tone in which people spoke to each other etc. This is how they thoroughly enjoy this time with each other.
- Family time as someone being there for you
Another aspect of time a child requires is the feeling that someone is there for them. Even if the child is away from home in a boarding school or parents are busy at work – the child values the actual physicality of their parents in all times of need. Various studies of pediatric behavioral psychologists have evidenced, well-adjusted children, when asked whether they would like more time from parents, unanimously said NO! So obviously a child’s need is fulfilled without the parent hovering around them all day. The assurance that their parents are there for them, whenever needed, is of greater importance.
- Having say over their own time
Another important value for children is to be able to have a say over how they want to spend their own time. Children’s daily routine at home is shaped by everyday family routine, household organization and parental work patterns. A schedule out of sync with a child often causes friction.
But on the other hand, when a child’s routine, wants and likes, dislikes are also taken into consideration while creating a routine of a family. They feel a part of the busy routine and they learn to manage their time in better way. Allowing children this liberty doesn’t mean parents are spoiling them. On the other hand, this means the parents are preparing the children for future – how to optimally utilize their time in a busy schedule.
Conceptually, family time should not be only seen as time spent with each other, but also time spent on their own.
- Time for peace and quiet
This is the most important aspect of time that children value a lot but somehow parents aren’t able to leave their hats of suspicion. If a child is sitting alone and doing something on their own, the parent will still keep popping in and disturbing the child with silly questions.
It is important that children value the time that they spend alone, they also do love their privacy, peace and quiet time. They like to make their independent decision as to how their time should be spent. Instead parents fill their days and weekends with all kinds of activities over which the child has very little say.
Note: This article is complied with inputs taken from the book called ‘smart parents, smarter kids’
